also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
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