I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
did i just pee glitter
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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