tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
