she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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