My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
