hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
