I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize