I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
