i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
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