College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
