i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize