Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
