I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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