Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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