just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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