if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I feel like a drive thru vagina
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
