i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
