theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
