I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
