We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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