If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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