So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
A+ Viking dick
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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