when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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