Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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