remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Randomize
