you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
