Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Randomize
