If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
