What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Is Oprah even human
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
