I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Still dying that you shit outside
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Randomize
