I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
