The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
