She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
They have beer where we have blood.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
