When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
