I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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