Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
