Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
