I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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