so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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