I wish my penis had an off switch
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
