I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Randomize
