I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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