when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize