Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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