She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
