I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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