We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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