Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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