Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize