i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
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