Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
