There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
