I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
