I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
