Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
