A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
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