just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
