My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize