if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
