i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize