That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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