the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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