my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
