I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
